The Trouble With Hookup Culture

When I tell people that I’m doing the whole casual hookup thing, I’m always met with a blend of shock and awe. They tell me how modern I am, how great it is that I’m so comfortable with myself that I don’t need a commitment, and that I’m brave for not being afraid of such a harshly judged lifestyle.

To some extent, they’re right. I am focusing on myself. I am pursuing my sexuality unabashedly. And I’m not afraid of what people may say. But what they don’t realise is that I’m exhausted and it took me a long time to learn to be this way and sometimes I wonder if I haven’t permanently ruined myself. I’ve learned more about men and human connection in these past two years of hooking up than I learned from any long term relationship prior, and I don’t like what I’m learning.

It’s great to do things for yourself; to pursue the things that you want for you and you alone without having to compromise with someone else. It’s good to have a healthy approach to sex. What’s not good is the realisation that you live behind a shell labeled “hardass” because that’s the only way you can survive.

The first time I had a one-night stand, it felt so strange. I wanted more, I felt like I was entitled to a connection, even though I knew I wasn’t. I was hurt that the man in question didn’t call me and ask for some commitment, even though I knew that I didn’t want a boyfriend. I was asking for someone to care about me, even when I didn’t care about them and knew I had no right to ask that of them.

You learn to harden yourself against expectations because happiness is reality minus expectations. You learn how to be both brutally honest and carefully guarded. I say things to my hookups that I would never say to anyone else, precisely because we have a limited window of togetherness and I have a small amount of time to establish myself as strong and independent. But I never care too much or ask too many questions or let them know how content I really am, because that makes me clingy and crazy.

You learn early on how to tell when someone doesn’t give a shit about you and, nine times out of ten, a hookup doesn’t give a shit about you. Even when he spends his weekends in your bed and kisses your forehead and laughs with you as you talk in the darkness, he doesn’t really care. What you mean to each other only goes as far as the door to your apartment. The trouble with hookup culture is that it is, at the same time, empowering and crippling. The very same moments that make you feel strong and content are the ones that leave you hollow and haunted.

And I’m so tired.

I’m tired of giving to someone who is only going to disappear and I’m tired of taking from someone while being fully aware that they are replaceable. No one thinks they are replaceable. I’m tired of being more armour and hard logic and cynicism than I am heart. I’m tired of my friends telling me that I love like a man when I am at my very core all woman. I’m tired of doubting whether or not I’ll ever be able to love again.

35 Things I Learned This Year

1. You never have to settle. Not in a relationship, not in a job, not ever.
2. Love your haters. They just want food, cuddles, attention and exercise. They're basically a puppy. 
3. Some people are kept in your phone just so you know not to answer when they call.
4. Never eat a party brownie ever again. 
5. Bad decisions make good stories.
6. When you get harassed and bullied by TSA officers in LA, remember two words: AUSTRALIAN EMBASSY. 
7. Don't sit too much. It kills you. Move, dance, run, play. 
8. The things that you hate about your body are oftentimes what other people find attractive. Embrace your flaws. 
9. If you think something is cute, fucking wear it. Don’t worry about what everyone else thinks. You’ll look great, I promise. 
10. Sex stores are fun, even if you just want a good laugh.
11. Some days are better than others. 
12. Forgive. No one wants to be bitter. It's bad for your soul. And it's bad for your sexy.
13. Know when to walk away. Holding on will only cause you more pain. Don’t exhaust yourself when there are people out there who would readily appreciate and love you—every part of you.
14. If you have to, make the first move. It’s scary, but someone has to do it. 
15. Men come and go. But your friends will always be there. Never ditch them for any guy unless of course he’s Channing Tatum or Trey Songz. They would be very bad friends if they didn’t understand. 
16. Nobody cares about you as much as they care about themselves.
17. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humour are telling you that they have no sense of humour. 
18. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it seriously. 
19. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe Daylight Saving Time. 
20. Arguments are pointless. You can’t change anyone so don’t try. 
21. You will make mistakes. So what?
22. It’s okay to be sad. But try not to forget about what makes you happy.
23. There is nothing wrong with you. 
24. Memories are priceless. Take plenty of pictures and videos of everything. That way, when you scroll through your camera roll, you’ll remember everything about that day -good or bad. 
25. Do what you love. Even if you don't get paid for it. 
26. Telling someone they’re wrong never leads to anything positive. Even if they’re wrong. 
27. A great massage, a great glass of wine, a great workout and great sex are a few of life's greatest treats. 
28. It’s OK if you don’t like something. Just don’t pretend that you do.
29. You should play on a swing set at least once every year. It is guaranteed to bring a smile to your face.
30. If you can’t sing, sing anyway. Especially at karaoke. 
31. If you think something is a bad idea, it might mean you should do it. Or it might mean it’s actually a bad idea.
32. Do activities by yourself. Solo Social Activities (movies, dinner, concerts, travel) can be a lot of fun.
33. Low calorie does not mean healthy. Stop fooling yourself.
34. Stop texting or checking your phone when you’re with other people. It’s rude and it’s sad.
35. Everybody lies. Trust people anyway.

Is Being A Hopeless Romantic In A Hookup Culture A Special Kind of Hell?

“I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me … everyday,” is what Ryan Gosling’s character, Noah, said to Allie (Rachael McAdams) as he begged her to choose him instead of her fiancé in a pivotal scene in the riveting emotional fluffer, The Notebook.

Back in the good-ol’-days of drive-in movie dates, chocolate-covered strawberries with flowers and corny Hallmark cards that generically express the feelings of the emotionally stunted, this type of sappy profession of one’s inner soul was once an admirable quality of a potential lover.

Nowadays, these types of lines are as likely to win over a woman’s heart and panties as restraining orders are likely to gain friends.

Technological advancements, such as the automobile and movie theaters, brought young couples out of their parents’ homes and constant supervision, giving them more freedom and opportunity for sexy time. Never has seeing a woman’s elbows and ankles been so readily available.

With the loosening sexual morals and the advancement of feminism and birth control that accompanied the sexual revolution in the 1960s, sex became unhinged from nuptials and non-marital sex became more socially accepted.

Fast-paced modern society, combined with mobile technology and social media, has bourgeoned hookup culture and courtship has evolved from developing instant intimacy to an endless barrage of dick pics, creepy pickup lines and mind games.

However, this isn’t all bad, as the hookup culture has marked the beginning of a demise of outdated, religious, misogynistic sexual double standards, as women are more free to explore their sexuality with less judgment from sexually frustrated moral purists and creepy old priests who choose to share the love of Jesus with their subservient altar boys.

But is our collective Attention Deficit Disorder turning into Affection Deficit Disorder?

A recent survey states that both men and women are deeply unhappy with hookup culture. Meaningless intercourse apparently led them to associate sexuality with “ambivalence, boredom, isolation and loneliness,” yet they reluctantly accept hooking up as an obligatory prerequisite of young adulthood.

Nevertheless, this blatantly jaded view presupposes young men and women are completely devoid of the ability to cultivate a relationship that grows from casual sex and that “traditional” courtship of admitting one’s desire during the heated passion of encountering love at first sight is actually attractive.

Essentially, texting and casual dialogue has transformed courting into a mental chess match, where every message, smooth line, date and reaction is strategically planned to elicit a certain kind of emotion in order to play mind games that stimulate subconscious arousal rather than express genuine emotions.

Next time you think about answering a text from that potential someone or want to plan a date with them; wait an hour, or a day, or a week, or a year, or even a decade to respond, so neediness isn’t displayed. Psychology shows that being random, spontaneous and opaque is the key to attraction.

The only way to show interest is through disinterest, so the other person’s disinterest turns into interest while your disinterest hides your interest and over time, hopefully, the initial interest doesn’t gradually fade into disinterest because showing interest creates disinterest. It makes sense because the only way to properly pursue someone is to manipulate their emotions.

We now live in a world that disregards cheesy romance lines and proliferates magical dating apps, like Tinder, which connect just as many private parts as hearts. Men and women continue to cycle through each other like a lifestyle hipster snob cycles through curated homeless person ensembles at Urban Outfitters every three months to seem trendy.

But is the hookup culture the scourge of the millennial generation or a natural progression of human intimacy?

As men and women drift through partners after countless 30-second jackhammer doggystyle sessions, there’s an opportunity to find that significant other as people are constantly being connected through technology and social events without the need for an idealized Hollywood portrayal of romance.

Lifestyles are constantly being challenged and diversified in the western civilisation. Traditional nuclear families have now expanded to cohabitation, gay and lesbian couples and single parents. There’s no reason that random, sloppy coitus can’t coexist with dating.

People look for different kinds of relationships at different points in their lives, so there’s really no right or wrong way to conduct one’s personal life.

In the midst of all this casual sex and questioning of traditional dating values, the main takeaways from the emerging hookup culture are the cliché expressions, “do what makes you happy” and “be yourself and people will love you for who you are.”

Men shouldn’t let the number of sexual conquests dictate their self-worth, while women shouldn’t allow sex to devalue them. As long as people know what they’re looking for in life and refuse to allow other people’s perceptions of them to influence their self-esteem, then maybe hookup horndogs and hopeless romantics can pursue their affectionate ambitions together in the modern dating world.

Life is simply a series of random events, and the universe will inevitably unfold as it was meant to.

Everyone will eventually find that special someone, whether it’s in the bed sheets or their beating hearts.

Or maybe you’ll just die cold, bitter and alone. I don’t know, I’m not Cupid

The Real Problem Between Sex, Love, And The ‘Almost’ Relationship

I both love and hate so many aspects that are such a huge part of this generation. For example, I love that technology makes it easier than ever for us to connect, but it also makes it harder than ever to make meaningful connections, particularly face to face. One gripe I have that seems to be such an integrated part of this generation is the problem of the “Almost Relationship.” Let me explain what I mean by this.

I’ve known some beautiful, intelligent, amazing women in my life, and many of them have been faced with this issue. Let’s see if this applies to you. You meet a guy, you’re intrigued by him. You like him a lot. He isn’t easy to deal with, but it seems worth it to you. Perhaps you have baggage or issues of your own that you’re wanting to work through while you’re with him, you helping him with his issues and vice versa. You spend a lot of time together, maybe he even introduces you to his friends, which you take to be a great sign. You text back and forth all the time, and he is affectionate with you, calling you endearing names. You get to the stage where you want to ask what this is, what you’re both doing with each other.

Is it a relationship? You don’t quite know the answer. You’ve had sex, been intimate, shared meals. Maybe you bring up the question to him, or maybe he brings it up himself. Either way, what he tells you is that he doesn’t want a relationship. This confuses you. Maybe you think, “But it was going so well!” and you wonder how he could come to this conclusion after all the time you’ve spent together. You also feel like you’re getting mixed signals. After all, if going out on dates, taking care of each other and having sex isn’t a relationship, then what is?

Maybe you’ll ask him at this point what he does want, and why he doesn’t want a relationship. Maybe he gives you answers, maybe he doesn’t. Maybe you fight, you have misunderstandings. Maybe he tells you that you’re just friends, or friends with benefits, or that he’s so messed up that he couldn’t possibly have anything to offer anyone. You go through stages of being angry, then forgiving him. Then soothing him. Then trying to help him with his anxiety or his panic attacks, or his disconnect from his emotions, or help him get over his ex. You wonder to yourself, “If he doesn’t seem to be after other girls, why doesn’t he just admit he wants to be with me, or that we’re together?”

Because in his mind, you’re not. Because in his mind, he has all the power. Because in his mind, he’s getting something he wants, and he’s giving you something you want, even if you’re left unfulfilled. Because in his mind, what you are both doing with each other is “good enough” for now, particularly until he finds something else. Maybe his voice is sexy and drives you crazy when he leaves you voice mails at midnight, asking you to come over. Maybe he makes you laugh. There could be a thousand reasons why you continue to devote so much time to him, even though he says he doesn’t want a relationship, or tells you directly that he doesn’t want to be with you. Maybe you think you can change him, or change his mind.

I love that in this day and age women can be more free with their bodies sexually, admitting that they need a physical connection with someone, that they enjoy that type of intimacy. Unfortunately, I think this still leaves most women so much more vulnerable than men in this scenario and more likely to get attached after being intimate. We want to think sometimes that we can keep it casual, but how many times have you found yourself at an impasse trying to separate sex from love?

This is a huge downfall of the modern era. Women should be able to be as free as they like with their bodies, as long as they understand that sometimes they will grow attached, and have to be prepared for the possibility that the men they want to be with won’t want to be with them. If you are one of these women, just know that not everything is meant to work out or line up. Fall for the person who says, “Yes. I want you. I want to be with you” and is willing to prove it.