AM I TOO FRIENDLY?

Last weekend, I spent a lot of time with my friend Bella, who had a traumatic incident on Friday in the Coles parking lot. We were in her car when we spotted her ex with his new girlfriend. Actually, she's not new. Bella found out a few weeks ago that he had been dating them both at the same time.

When we saw him, I didn't have much time to react, but I think I waved. Afterwards, I kept asking, "Did I wave? Did I just wave at him?" I might have even smiled--it's my default expression. Now, this ex did a selfish, dishonest thing, but deep down he is a good human being. What should I have done? Abandon my manners and flip him the bird? It's hard for me to show anger, but if I'm nice to Bella's ex, then am I a pushover who doesn't stand up for herself or her friend, or womankind? What is the proper reaction to seeing an ex in a grocery store parking lot? Surely it's not a friendly wave?

----*****-----

My friend called me last night as I was washing the dishes. "Do you think I'm a slut?" she asked. "Um, no. Do you think I am?" I said. I had no idea where she was going with this. My girl is 30, has a high-powered career, owns her own place and I'd trust her with my own child (if I had one). Above all, she barely dates and is more of a relationship girl. Slut? Not quite.

I pressed: "Why would I think that?" She ranted: "Met a suit at the hotel bar where my business meeting was. He bought me drinks and a cheese plate and I took him home. We had sex [dude sprung for a cheese plate, you better had--I kid, I kid!]. Sex in my bed, then in the shower." I'm still not following. She's a 30-year-old woman who I know for a fact is on the Pill, so it's not like she was going to get storked! And she told me he used a condom both times, so she did play it safe.

Here's why she thinks she's a "slore": In the morning before he left he gave her his number and asked if she'd like to have dinner this weekend (aw, sweet!), but as soon as the door shut behind him, she threw out his number. "Why?" I asked. "There was something very pushy about him and he seemed too comfortable in my apartment," she said. When I asked what that meant, she said before they fell asleep he turned the TV on and watched the news. Um, OK? So?

Personally, I would have gone to dinner with the dude, I mean there was an obvious physical attraction, right? This got me thinking, are one night stands ever OK? My opinion: She's a consensual adult, on the Pill and they used a condom--twice. She's a single woman who had a little fun. So not a slut. And what's up with women thinking of themselves as sluts, anyway?! That word has got to go.

Because Nothing Says Bridal Wear Like a Totally Naked Man

Wedding season's coming up. Trying to find something to go with that brand new bridal gown you just bought? How about a completely naked dude?

While surfing TheKnot.com the other night with my friend Melissa, we stumbled upon these ACTUAL PHOTOGRAPHIC ADS depicting possible future wedding dresses.

At first, we were confused. What the hell was a naked man doing there? Did he come with? Because that sounds like a really good deal, except that most normal women, when actively searching for a wedding dress, have the whole "man" thing pretty much covered.

Furthermore, when these women think about their future wedding dress, they probably aren't like, "Wow, I really love this dress, but the thing that would make me want to buy it even more is if I could see it pictured with a totally naked man who isn't in any way my fiance rubbing his totally naked body against its pristine white fabric!"

Although maybe there are discounts for stains?

Um, honey ... this is fine for the wedding dress ad photos, but I'm going to insist you wear a tux to the wedding. No. Seriously. 'NUDE' DOES NOT WORK WITH MY COLOUR SCHEME.

Dream-Invader

When I’m very tired, like I am now, I always have the weirdest dreams. Last night’s was a doozy…

It started out with some sort of surreal living situation with my latest celeb crush, James McAvoy (sigh). In my dream, though, like in real life I suppose, he was a small guy, slightly taller than me—which was/is kind of disappointing… But what a dreamboat.

Funny aside: As I was looking for a picture of hottie McAvoy, I came across a Korean chick’s blog about her crush on him. What is it about delicate-featured, pasty-faced, blue-eyed white boys with foreign accents that Asian chicks seem to dig? (Although I think the attraction goes both ways…)

Anyway, back to my dream! So it switched from me having a rather depressing relationship with James McAvoy into me being picked to be the surrogate mother to Tom Cruise (speaking of short actors) and Katie Holmes‘ next Scientology baby.

And if that wasn’t weird enough… It actually got to the point where I was in this sterile room, all prepped to be implanted, when Tom Cruise comes in himself with a giant needle to impregnate me. (Right, I get that, Freud.) But instead of putting the needle anywhere near my lady parts, Tom proceeds to stick this giant syringe in my left foot—which hurt like hell, btw. So ta-da! I was impregnated with (get this) 30 embryos in my left foot. They wanted to make sure the pregnancy would take. Of course, I’m thinking it would have taken a lot better if they’d actually put the embryos in my uterus. So I leave the Scientology/IVF office with what is now a swollen, ENORMOUS, ogre-like foot filled with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ 30 possible future babies.

So is that the weirdest dream ever or what? I’m not even going to begin to analyze that one, but I felt that I should blog about it because it was so strange.

Clearly, I need to get more sleep.

My Life Philosophy in One Sentence: Part 1 of 354

When presented with an opportunity, I think one should not ask “why?” but instead scream “WHY THE HELL NOT!?” and then, to underscore the depth of one’s commitment to optimism, rip off one’s shirt and leap into the air with a giant flying karate kick...! =)

WHO PAYS?

The other night, my friend dished about a first date. The conversation started out with: "Never. Going. Out. With. Him. Again!"

Apparently he invited her to dinner, but when the check came he asked if they could "split it," and waved the bill in the air. My friend whipped out her debit card in shock. She just assumed he would pay since, as she told me, "He invited ME to the ridiculously overpriced French bistro that was purely lit by stubby candles."

I was torn. He asked her out, on a first date. It's not like they were dating and in the "I got dinner, you pay for the movie" phase. I'd like to think chivalry is not dead and if a guy asks a gal out, he's going to buy her a meal. I've paid for the date when I was the askee. The guy tried to give me money, but I refused and quipped, "You can pay next time," thus securing a second date (score!).

This was a deal breaker for her. Even though she said she'd go out with him again, she fully intends to screen her calls from here on out and even re-saved his name on her mobile as John Cheap.

What are your dating deal breakers? I once nixed date two because on date one, the guy spoke about his mum a lot. He was 30.

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE

Sports Illustrated cover model Marisa Miller

Conversation at the Shoot (as imagined by me):

Stylist #1: Oh SHIT. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.

Stylist #2: What??? What?!!

Stylist #1: I forgot the TOP PART OF THE BIKINI we need to use for the cover shot!

Stylist #2: Oh fuck. You mean the PART THAT GOES OVER HER NAKED BREASTS?!?!

Stylist #1: YES!!! SHITTTTT! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!??!?!

Stylist #2: I know!! I know!!! Take my necklace!!! No one will ever notice the difference!!! It’s not like this is a magazine about SWIMSUITS!

Stylist #1: You are a genius.

British Bulldog

I have a fairly strict rule on dogs: if they're over 12 kilos and not a jack russel terrier or a shih-tzu, they're not really my type. But this one, which I found in Lygon Street, I just sorta liked. Maybe it was his "fuck you, I don't care if I need braces, I'm badass" attitude ... or maybe it was his drool. But either way, I really, really wanted to take him home with me. Or at least on a photo shoot.

The talk

I just got a text from a good friend that read "Going to meet the ex--he wants to talk."

They've been broken up for a couple of months and although she seems to be getting on without him, he doesn't.

I've been there. Broken up with someone, then regretted it, then fallen into a can't eat, can't sleep period of blue. I've also endured the "Can we talk?"...talk. Those talks always ended the same way for me. In a split second I'd be overwhelmed by pure attraction and within minutes all was forgiven--until one or two days later when the same, heavy issues surfaced all over again. Sometimes, talks are just about a quick fix, more of an "I miss you" impulse than anything else. Jumping head first into the same old situation ultimately doesn't solve anything. After all, there was a reason for the split, right? Then again, sometimes "talks" actually do the trick and help clear the slate for round two.

Do you believe in second chances?

Here’s To Me, Mrs. Robinson

I had another one of my weirdo dreams last night. This time, I was staying at a friend’s house for some reason and this friend had a 17-year-old son. A gorgeous, virginal 17-year-old son. And I had to be about forty-five or something in this dream. This was one of those dreams where you’re not really you, you’re someone else.

Anyway, over the course of the week I was staying there, it became obvious that this son (who was heading off to college soon) had a crush on me. So my last night there, I decided to go out with another girlfriend of mine and had the boy sneak out and meet us. Then we both proceeded to seduce him! Whoa… How’s that for your first time? A threesome with a couple of cougars.

Then the dream turned rather stressful because we had to keep his mother, my friend, from finding out what happened and she was quite suspicious to begin with. So that was my dream (with a lot of the sordid details faded to fuzzy memory.)

My analysis? I actually have met a college-bound teenager recently who’s definitely gorgeous (though I can’t say if he’s virginal) and I think it’s making me feel rather like a dirty old lady to admire his brand of youthful beauty. And I think I’m rather shocked to find myself in this position, rather than the one where I’m being admired by dirty old men. But hey, things change… and there’s no harm in looking, right?