SIMPLE

I wish that when I was younger I could have met my current self. We could have sat down at a coffee shop so that I could explain life to young me in terms that only we would understand. It would have saved me a lot of hardship.

You can listen to all the sage wisdom you want but things only make sense when you can explain them to yourself in your own words. For instance I've told myself for three years that Gossip Girl is the best show on television, but only after I watched it was I able to tell myself exactly why everyone was right. Other truths I know now that I can explain them: that I'm not missing any crucial information and that poker really isn't fun; that heartbreaks do fade but they take about a year longer than you expect and by the time they do you really don't care about it enough to notice; and above all else, life is simpler than you think.

I used to think that life was an intricate series of levers and pulleys, buttons and switches, Mexican standoffs and hostage negotiations. As I get older I realize that life is more Netherlands minimalist than Jackson Pollock. The problems don't get fewer, and in fact they grow in number, but the way I index then in the database is different. More problems get filled under fewer category headers.

Things are getting simpler, and it's making life better. Here's the cheat sheet:

People want to be liked. We all crave attention and affection and we all reject shame. When we get embarrassed we send a thug version of ourselves to the forefront to do our fighting for us. We're at the top of the food chain just under fear. We don't want to be in a relationship to hear the words 'I love you'. We want to be in a relationship to say the words 'I love you'. We want to feel needed and exceptional and we hate feeling insignificant. We want to ace a hearing test. We are binary creatures; if we're the plaintiff, we want to win every dollar. If we're the defendant, we want to guard every penny. We want to make more money than last year. We don't want to get cancer or die in our cars and we want the same for our loved ones. We drink so we can be ourselves and not mind it so much. We're desperate to be understood. We want to know someone else has felt it too. We hate being judged unfairly. We want to make the person we heard say that they're not all that into us change their minds and admit they had us wrong. We want sunny skies with a chance of killer tornadoes just to keep music sounding good. We take hours upon hours to admit to self consciousness. We don't know exactly how to pleasure one another. We just want love. In every way and form.

See? It's simple. :)

Just wondering ...

When do you give up on someone you're dating? Where's the line? Not the first time he disappoints you, or even the second. But what about the third, the fourth, the fifth?

I disappointed the last guy I loved constantly. It wasn't intentional - I happened to be emotionally bereft at the time, I could barely function, let alone be conscious of another person's needs. But I let him down again and again. He gave me five months of chances, and then one day, he drew the line. And that was it. Done.

Sometimes I wish I had that kind of rigid self-discipline. I've never been good at cutting things off ... I'm a benefit-of-the-doubt kinda girl. But I'm in a place in my life where I just don't want to put up with bullshit (if you're asking "Is there ever a time in your life when you put up with bullshit?" the answer is HELL yes. High school and college.)

The irony I can't get over is that I'm probably the least demanding, least needy, least high-maintenance I've ever been. In fact, my baseline requirements for men I date are pretty freaking simple: do what you say you're going to do, when you say you're going to do it, and be cognizant of how your behavior may affect my feelings. In other words, just be considerate. Seriously, is that really so damn difficult?

In my head I keep thinking "Wow. I cannot believe he's fucking this up."

THIS DOES NOT BODE WELL...

It's 11:17 am and I've ALREADY eaten a chocolate chip cookie. In addition to the egg & cheese on a croissant I devoured at 11:13 am. I sort of feel like ralphing, actually. One shouldn't have that kind of food in the morning. Or ever, really.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I'm not usually the "quote" type of person (I also don't forward "hilarious" chain emails. It is one of my best qualities), but I ran across this today while cleaning out my overstuffed Ideas folder ... and I thought it was pretty dead on. I'm not sure why exactly human beings expect to feel identically about their friends & lovers at every single moment, but perhaps the first step to combating this (and thus, the disappointment that arises when we're surprised by the natural ups and downs of our emotions, and those of our companions) is to simply realize it and accept it, and see how we feel the next day.

"When you love someone, you do not love them all the time in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet, this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of time and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible in life, as in love, is in growth, in fluidity in freedom. The only real security is not owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was, nor forward to what it might be, but living in the present and accepting it as it is now. For relationships, too, must be like islands. One must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits islands surrounded and interrupted by the sea, continuously visited and abandoned by the tides. Once must accept the serenity of the winged life, ebb and flow, of intermittency."
- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I've always thought that you would ruin the life of at least one very important person."
-One of my bestfriends on the phone with me today.-


Oh c'mon....! One???! Talk about aiming low. I bet if i really work at it, i can ruin THREE or FOUR VIP's lives..! LOL

So You Wanna Be ... A Condom Tester?

Name: Mike Harrison
Age: Old with a British Accent
School: Manchester Metropolitan University in the UK – degree in Chemistry, Phd in Polymer Chemistry
Official Title: Senior Principal Scientist for Trojan
Cool Title: Condom Tester
How, exactly, does one test condoms? Just put ‘em on and see what happens?
No. The main stability test involves unrolling the condom onto a specialized post and forcing air into it until it expands to 40 liters in size. Then you measure the pressure when the condom bursts.

So basically you make condom balloons?
Yeah.

What happens after that?
We give the condoms to live consumers in a market research test – they use them four times and then report back. The fit, the feel, was it a pleasurable experience, was it a negative experience?

What if the guy was just bad in bed? Would you still blame the condom?
Umm …

How long does it take to develop a condom?
For a simple condom at least 12 months. For the more complicated it can take 4-5 years. We have a lot of brainstorming sessions.

Those must be fun. What’s the best part of your job?
It’s great to help the consumer get the protection and pleasure they need – we’re really providing a public service. It’s quite serious business; condoms are a class two medical device.

Uh-huh, right, right. But do you get free condoms?
Er, yes. More than I could ever use.

What do people say when you first tell them what you do?
They don’t believe me.

Do they ask for free condoms?
They never think to ask that straight away – they’re more in shock. They ask later!

What’s the most popular Trojan condom?
The number one seller in the states is Trojan ENZ – in the light blue box – it sold 46 million last year.

That’s a lot of safe sex. Or hopeful men. How many different kinds of Trojan condoms are there? Do you have them memorized?
Not really … I know them by color. Trojan’s been around for over 90 years, and there are over 30 types, I think.

What’s your favorite?
Warm sensations.

Not Magnum? Are the magnum condoms really bigger or is that just to make guys feel more manly?
Only the Magnum XL is actually bigger. Regular Magnum condoms can be worn my any man as the base is the same size as any condom.

Busted! What’s the smallest condom?
I’m not sure that we have a small condom.

You should. Do you guys take into account the average penis size?
We have a company that runs large clinical trials – they have a condom measuring kit – which measures the length of the erect penis and the girth of the midpoint.

If a guy says “oh this condom doesn’t fit me, it’s too small,” is he lying?
Well … latex is pretty stretchable.

I knew it.

CONDOM QUICK FACTS
- Total condoms sold (all brands) last year: 317 million
- Total Trojan condoms sold last year: 217 million
- Earliest known condoms were linen sheathes fashioned by the ancient Egyptians
- Some of the odder innovations include condoms made from tortoise shell
- Latex condoms were first introduced in the 1800's, thanks to Charles Goodyear's invention of rubber vulcanization

CHECK THIS OUT

There’s a nickname generator online that asks you to type in your first and last name, and it will generate creative terms of endearment for you. When I typed in my name, it came up with: “Puppie pot chocolate kisses bon bon.” Not sure how they derived that from Eva Marie Oyola, but ...um ... I suppose at least it’s imaginative. Although when I typed in the name of a friend, it came up with “Butter Hot Pooh Peepers.” I might just use that one instead.