Dick Pics

And so it happened...I was asked to blog about men sending us dick pics. Here's the first draft...

 

Hey guys, what’s up? Your penis. Right. Very funny. And original, I might add. And speaking of unoriginal matters involving Mr. Winky, I’ve got a question for you: What’s up with the dick pics?

 

Over the past couple of years as a single blogger, I’ve talked to many ladies about many dating issues. And I have learned that a sizeable number of women have at least once fallen victim to the unwelcome cock shot. It might appear in a text, an e-mail or just hanging out on an online dating site. In fact, in her hilarious memoir, Jenny Lawson reported that as an HR manager she’d catch a different employee e-mailing his junk at least once a quarter. That’s a lot of peen to screen.

 

And of course, it leaves us women asking one question:

 

WHY???

 

Is “Looking forward to meeting you” code for “Send a portrait of your Johnson”? Are you afraid I won’t recognise it in person? Are you running for Parliament?

 

Now, I’m not talking about the online exhibitionists who get their jollies exposing themselves, hoping for a shocked reaction. I’m talking about guys who are actually trying to score with us.

 

After musing on it a bit, I’ve come up with the only plausible explanation for this odd behaviour: You think it turns us on because it turns YOU on.

 

Please guys, use your brain. The other one. WOMEN ARE NOT MEN. We know you dudes would love nothing more than to receive copious photos of our beautiful lady junk. You like porn. We get it.

 

But let me make one thing clear: seeing a digitised image of your dork does about as much for me sexually as watching my neighbour's cat vomit and then eat it.

 

There is no circumstance in which I need to see a photograph of your wang. Not even if we’re just fuck buddies. Not even if it has won some sort of penis pageant. Not even if it bears an uncanny resemblance to Meryl Streep. I don’t need to see if it’s big enough or pretty enough or circumcised enough – I’d honestly rather wait for the unveiling in person. In fact, I kind of like the suspense.

 

Let’s say I meet a guy on Tinder and he texts me a visage of his one-eyed wonder worm. Here’s what will happen: First, I exclaim, “Ew.” Second, I consult my friends immediately and we analyse the shit out of it. This is what our conversation might sound like:

 

Me: Sweet Jesus. This guy just sent me a picture of his dong. Look!

 

Girlfriend: Whoa. What a weirdo. Why would he do that?

 

Me: Shit if I know.

 

Girlfriend: Did you send a boob pic? Did you ASK for it?

 

Me: No and HELL, no.

 

Girlfriend: Ewww, look at it, it’s all veiny. And the head is, like, freakishly bigger than the shaft.

 

Me: Ha! That’s so bizarre! And he didn’t even bother to manscape. It’s like his weiner has an afro.

 

Girlfriend: And check out the shag carpet in his bedroom. That’s just bad taste. Wait a second, what is THAT?

 

Me: What is what?

 

Girlfriend: That little dot right there.

 

Me: Oh, yeah… Maybe it’s something on my screen. [Wipes screen.] Nope, still there. Perhaps a freckle?

 

Girlfriend: Perhaps a genital wart?

 

Me: Omigod. You think?

 

Girlfriend: You never know. I saw some wart pics online that looked like cauliflower. Do you want cauliflower growing out of your junk? Girl, you need to lose this dude. He’s obviously a major perv who may or may not have genital warts.

 

Me: Agree. Delete. Wait… let’s show Sharon and Heather and Jamie first.

Incidentally, a conversation with my gay bf would go something like this:

 

Me: Sweet Jesus. This guy just sent me a picture of his dong. Look!

 

Gay bf: Seriously? Could you forward it to me?

 

Is this what you want, fellas? To be the subject of ridicule amongst our girlfriends or the subject of masturbation amongst our gay bfs? I thought not.

 

Trust me, we’re not nearly as obsessed with your manhood as you are. I mean, sure, we love it when we’re in the throes of passion and think of it fondly if it’s given us pleasure in the past. But I don’t need a picture of it. Ever. And if the two of us have not yet met or are just beginning to date, an Instagrammed version of it will not make me want to instantly bang your brains out. This I promise.

 

So for the love of God, put your camera down and your penis away. And please, tell your friends. Make this go viral. Spread the word, my darlings, spread it like genital warts.

 

Love,

Women