Should you be friends with your ex?

Unfortunately, our exes don’t disappear from the earth after a breakup. They keep existing, seemingly for the sole purpose of appearing when you’re horribly hungover, buying Advil and coconut water in your sweatpants, and then—boom,there they are, still alive. I’ve never understood those couples who stay friends after a breakup. It just seems impossible to form something truly platonic with a person who I’ve had feelings for, who knows exactly how to make me cum, and who’s seen me smell my underwear to check if they’re clean. They know some vulnerable parts of my personality. Those aren't things that friends should know or want to know - it doesn't work that way. There's a big difference between trading juicy secrets and actually doing them. 

Many claim that being friends with your ex is the “mature” thing to do, but I always feel like those people are confusing maturity with masochism. But if you do choose to keep your ex in your life, it’s important that the friendship is genuine, without ulterior motives.

Now, there’s a difference between being friends and being friendly. Friends means we watch Netflix at your apartment and I complain to you about my new relationship. Friendly means that if we pass on the street, I’ll smile and say hi, rather than try to fashion a weapon out of the objects in my handbag. Generally speaking, friendly is a good option, for the sake of social harmony. You don’t want to be one of those people who can’t be in the same room as your ex, and causes a major scene if ever it happens. That’s annoying for your friends, and makes you look like an adultbaby. (Hence where that whole “maturity” thing comes into play.) And even though it would be convenient if we could ask our friends to “choose sides,” that’s unfortunately not really acceptable after the age of 21.

I am not an exemplary case, in that I’m not on speaking terms with any of my serious, long-term exes. Cheating and jealousy spoiled my first relationship, and the ex after that resents me (I might have blogged about the problems in our sex life without his permission one too many times). With my most recent long-term relationship, our breakup involved so many nasty fights that it would be ridiculous to try to rebuild after all the horrible things we said to one another. Despite this, we stupidly made a brief attempt at friendship. Not surprisingly, literally every hangout resulted in a fight, me crying, or us having sex. Old habits are hard to break.

Tellingly, how a relationship ends has an effect on what happens afterward. If it ended badly—cheating, disrespect, trauma, etcetera—then attempting to form a subsequent friendship can be difficult, or worse, unhealthy. However, if your relationship just naturally runs its course and then ends mutually (which, let’s be honest, is not the way most relationships end), then a post-breakup friendship seems more feasible. Personally, I believe the only way to truly be friends with a serious ex is if you had already entered the friendzone before the breakup. Because when you end a relationship that’s still sexually charged, or that one person isn’t ready to give up, it’s impossible to hang out afterward without wanting to fuck, marry, or kill each other. But it’s not just about the sex. Being in a relationship is about so many other things—it’s about family, support, codependency, and being intimate in a way that transcends the sexual—and that’s what makes it hard to transition into friendship.

For a lot of people, breakups are about winning. That’s not necessarily a bad thing—some healthy competition with your exes is natural, right? I’m not saying I want my exes to suffer a major tragedy, but I definitely want them to be far less happy and successful than I am. Duh. But you have to keep it classy. Clearly, it’s always good news when your ex gets fat, but enjoy this hardship privately, with a celebratory glass of wine in the bath, rather than making a big deal about it in front of your mutual friends. Constantly talking about how your ex’s new girlfriend is a budget version of you just makes you seem like you’re still emotionally invested in his life, when really you should be too over it to know or care who he’s dating.

In my experience, when exes stay friends, there’s usually another dynamic at play. For example, one partner secretly hopes to get back together, or is feigning closeness to keep dibs on the other. Or you agree to spend time with your ex out of pity, because they still like you, and the attention feels good. Or, you could be using the facade of friendship simply to hurt the other person—e.g. making them jealous by rubbing new romances in their face. (We’ve all been to that awkward holiday party with an ex-couple—“Isn’t it great we’ve stayed friends!”—where one ex is so obviously enjoying parading around their new partner while the other silently dies inside by the hors d’oeuvres.) And lastly, a classic case, is the type who keep their exes around as a backup plan, in case no one better comes along. Not only is this unfair to your ex, but this dynamic is probably holding you back as well.

You might not realise it, but keeping your ex around “as a friend” after a breakup can keep you from moving on. You think you’re being morally superior, when actually your ex is sucking up so much of your emotional bandwidth that you have zero energy left for Tinder.

Moving on is hard, and the impulse to keep your ex in your life can be really strong—we all get it. And yeah, maybe you can have your ex back in your life in some capacity down the line, but you first need to give yourself a window to move on physically and emotionally. It’s not weak or dramatic to stop following your ex on social media—it’s strategic. If you don’t, you’ll just end up staring at your phone all day, waiting to find clues in each new Instagram they post. You might have to sacrifice some parties, restaurants, movie theatres, and even countries to avoid running into them for a while. But if you do end up in a place where you might run into your ex, be sure to look casually fabulous.