69 THINGS THAT WENT THROUGH MY MIND WHILE WATCHING MAGIC MIKE XXL

1. First 2 minutes: Women in the cinema are getting the downstairs feels. Yes. Already. 
2. I feel like I’m at the horniest hen party of all time. They should’ve given us dick straws. They missed a trick there.
3. POOL PARTY! Or, more accurately, NAKED JOE MANGANIELLO PARTY! Wait, that was just the tip of Joe's penis between his legs. Did we just see his tip?
4. We also have a dripping wet Channing Tatum. Can Channing please wear a wet shirt, like, all the time?
5. CHANNING'S GARAGE. I've seen the trailer, I know what's coming. Probably me. In my mind.
6. The same trailer we watched on loop one Saturday night, drunkenly spouting wildly inappropriate things about what we’d do to Channing Tatum.
7. Now he's humping with a drill. I have never wanted to be a power tool so badly.
8. I think I have suddenly developed new and interesting feelings about welding.
9. Channing Tatum is dancing to 'Pony' in his workshop. This is truly life changing.
10. He’s properly humping a table. And great, I’m officially jealous of an inanimate object.
11. I’m lost in Matt Bomer’s blue eyes.
12. No. Like I’m seriously lost. .
13. Matt Bomer is so pretty. I want to lick his face. 
14. He’s teaching us eyebrow tricks. Apparently you can catch more strays by using your iPhone camera instead of a mirror. Thank you, Matt Bomer, you beautiful human you. 
15. I want to touch all of them. In the pants.
16. I am now reconsidering my taste in men. Is there such a thing as too hot?
17. This stripping brainstorm is the kind of meeting I want to be involved in. I could literally contribute SO much…if staring counts as a contribution.
18. I wish men who pee in public areas look like Channing Tatum so I could take a pic of them and use the environment as an excuse to chat them up. 
19. Channing's inner drag queen is called Clitoria Labia. Life made.
20. If Channing doesn’t make a Clitoria Labia spin-off movie, what is the point of living?
21. Big Dick Ritchie (Joe Manganiello) has just confessed he hasn't had sex in five months because his dick scares off the ladies.
22. Every lady in the cinema is currently thinking they’d be up for the challenge.
23. Cinematic greatness has just happened! And it came in the form of Joe Manganiello humping a refrigerator. 
24. I can't write. I am crying too much at Joe's opening of Cheetos. And water, 
25. “I want it that way” by the Backstreet Boys is taking on a whole new meaning. 
26. My envy is real. I hate Sophia Vergara. And Jenna Tatum. And Amber Heard. And all those women who got to touch these magnificent and glorious humans.
27. Why is Channing holding a diamond ring? YES CHANNING! A THOUSAND TIMES YES!
28. Wait, did he just say he proposed to someone with bacon? I think I just had a tiny orgasm!
29. Wow, Jada Pinkett Smith is hella sexy. And she’s the owner and ladyboss of a strip mansion filled with beautiful black strippers. Tough gig.
30. She’s giving us a tour in her pleasure mansion. I’m scared right now and I love it!
31. Jada’s pleasure mansion is where I want to be every day of my life and also I would like to die and be buried there and instead of a ,I would like a sexy man to dance on my grave.
32. Jada is reminding me that I’m a queen and I believe her.  
33. Can Jada Pinkett Smith please just narrate, like, my whole life?
34. I want a shirtless Childish Gambino to do a special rap for me. I have never wanted anything so much. 
35. Channing's old stripper name was White Chocolate. I could so go for a Milky Bar right now. That's not a euphemism. I'm genuinely really hungry.
36. Channing just did a handstand and thrust his pelvis and basically defied gravity AND IT’S EVERYTHING. 
37. Andie MacDowell and her big, fabulous hair are here and all is right in the world.
38. Honestly pissed a group of male strippers has never crashed a single one of my wine nights.
39. Matt Bomer is singing and making a woman feel beautiful and it is so beautiful I want to weep. And dive into those eyes.
40. Channing just said "Cookies are awesome" and "My God is a She" in one glorious minute. Wisdom.
41. If Channing likes cookies, you like cookies (science).
42. Yup, Andie MacFreakingDowell gets the pleasure of being Joe M’s perfect fit. #LIFEGOALS
43. Wait, is Joe wearing a sleeveless fleece? Where do you even buy a sleeveless fleece? I hope I don't get turned on by sleeveless fleeces from now on. 
44. Andie MacDowell just NAILED the "I've just had sex with a guy with a really big dick" sigh so accurately. Give the woman an Oscar! The acceptance speech would be 👌
45. They’ve referred to women’s vagines as glass slippers a fair few times. I’m ok with this analogy
46. I can’t decide whether Tito’s hair looks better curly or in cornrows.
47. Elizabeth Banks and Jada had a moment and it was damn sexy. 
48. Here comes Tito. I don’t know about all that whipped cream. A hot dude + hot fudge sounds really awesome at first, but that shower must have been rough.
49. YOU’RE MAKING A MESS, TITO.  
50. JOE MANGANIELLO IS A SEX GOD. He’s not a human man but a god descended from Mount Olympus.
51. Joe. Dressed in a suit. He looks REALLY good in a suit. But he also looks good shirtless. Hell the man would look good in a friggin’ tutu.
52. I want to marry Joe Manganiello and announce my nuptials on facebook.
53. He’s tied her up in some metal device. I am vividly picturing my honeymoon night with Joe Manganello. 
54. Wait, did anyone ever actually get that woman off Christian Grey's swing?
55. I WANNA CHANNING ALL OVER YOUR TATUM.
56. Dear Twitch, YOU COMPLETE ME. 
57. I want to hug every part of Twitch’s body with my mouth.
58. Twitch doesn't get to speak. But men everywhere should take a leaf off his book. Sometimes, all you need to say is *gyrates sensually*
59. I wonder if they actually go down on women by picking them up over their heads like that?!
60. More feels in the downstairs department.
61. I want to throw money on the screen. Take my dollar bills beautiful humans!
62. I kinda feel for the dudes in here. I mean, this has gotta produce some crazy feelings of inadequacy. They are f*cking ridiculous!
63. I wonder how many people will be having parties for one over Channing Tatum tonight...or shutting their eyes pretending they're getting busy with him.
64. Wow. Is it hot? Are you hot? Yes, I am definitely burning up here.
65. Enough with the dialogues. Please stop talking and go back to dancing. PLEASE?
66. Is there a real stripper convention in Myrtle Beach? Spoiler: there is, according to Channing. Who’s coming with me next year?
67. It’s over. I am sad. But weirdly elated and most definitely feeling strange things.
68. I want to live inside this movie.
69. Is it too late to change careers? I want to be a ladyboss pleasure merchant like Jada Pinkett Smith.