So You Wanna Be ... A Condom Tester?

Name: Mike Harrison
Age: Old with a British Accent
School: Manchester Metropolitan University in the UK – degree in Chemistry, Phd in Polymer Chemistry
Official Title: Senior Principal Scientist for Trojan
Cool Title: Condom Tester
How, exactly, does one test condoms? Just put ‘em on and see what happens?
No. The main stability test involves unrolling the condom onto a specialized post and forcing air into it until it expands to 40 liters in size. Then you measure the pressure when the condom bursts.

So basically you make condom balloons?
Yeah.

What happens after that?
We give the condoms to live consumers in a market research test – they use them four times and then report back. The fit, the feel, was it a pleasurable experience, was it a negative experience?

What if the guy was just bad in bed? Would you still blame the condom?
Umm …

How long does it take to develop a condom?
For a simple condom at least 12 months. For the more complicated it can take 4-5 years. We have a lot of brainstorming sessions.

Those must be fun. What’s the best part of your job?
It’s great to help the consumer get the protection and pleasure they need – we’re really providing a public service. It’s quite serious business; condoms are a class two medical device.

Uh-huh, right, right. But do you get free condoms?
Er, yes. More than I could ever use.

What do people say when you first tell them what you do?
They don’t believe me.

Do they ask for free condoms?
They never think to ask that straight away – they’re more in shock. They ask later!

What’s the most popular Trojan condom?
The number one seller in the states is Trojan ENZ – in the light blue box – it sold 46 million last year.

That’s a lot of safe sex. Or hopeful men. How many different kinds of Trojan condoms are there? Do you have them memorized?
Not really … I know them by color. Trojan’s been around for over 90 years, and there are over 30 types, I think.

What’s your favorite?
Warm sensations.

Not Magnum? Are the magnum condoms really bigger or is that just to make guys feel more manly?
Only the Magnum XL is actually bigger. Regular Magnum condoms can be worn my any man as the base is the same size as any condom.

Busted! What’s the smallest condom?
I’m not sure that we have a small condom.

You should. Do you guys take into account the average penis size?
We have a company that runs large clinical trials – they have a condom measuring kit – which measures the length of the erect penis and the girth of the midpoint.

If a guy says “oh this condom doesn’t fit me, it’s too small,” is he lying?
Well … latex is pretty stretchable.

I knew it.

CONDOM QUICK FACTS
- Total condoms sold (all brands) last year: 317 million
- Total Trojan condoms sold last year: 217 million
- Earliest known condoms were linen sheathes fashioned by the ancient Egyptians
- Some of the odder innovations include condoms made from tortoise shell
- Latex condoms were first introduced in the 1800's, thanks to Charles Goodyear's invention of rubber vulcanization

---****---

How many guys do we ever hit it off with? Very few, and even if we do, those relationships don’t last, and even if they did, men die first, so we’re right back where we started.

— oh, Carrie Bradshaw. Season 5, episode 3. Yes, I watched two more episodes tonight, because the damn insomnia’s back. Worth it, though. SATC, despite what every more-hipster-than-thou New Yorker now feels, is just straight up classic. And I certainly take something different from it now than when I first watched, oh-so-naive, at age 20. Go back and check out some old ‘sodes yourself. You’ll see.

You’re Special

I came across a post on John Mayer’s blog this morning. In it, he talks about the disease of self-consciousness, although what I think he’s really talking about is the over-reaching effects of ego identification.

We live in a culture that celebrates mediocrity and he’s right when he says that we’ve all grown up being told how special we are, how talented, beautiful, intelligent and how we really can do anything. John seems to believe that we’re all rather ordinary (”beautifully unspectacular,”) but I think he misses the point.

I don’t believe anyone is ordinary. To get metaphysical, we’re all divine beings here, we just don’t seem to recognize that. Instead, we’re trapped in an endless cycle of comparison and consumption and never feeling good enough but still striving for that golden ring of success, fame, wealth. As if that is the answer to not feeling special enough.

American culture especially dangles that carrot in front of us, alternately telling us that we deserve the best of everything while also letting us know that we just don’t measure up until we reach an Oprah-level of success. It’s really where all that self-help ideology (”You can do and be anything you dream”) originated from—trying to get people to start accepting and loving themselves. Unfortunately, the dream got twisted into everyone trying to get everyone else to recognize, admire and love them. Hence, you have 5-year-olds being paraded around in makeup and satin ballgowns, all on the rocky road to fame and fortune.

Along with reading John’s post, I came across a video of Paris Hilton attempting to bellydance at the televised Miss Turkey pageant, for which she was a celebrity judge. She was awkward and uncomfortable onstage and proved how mediocre she is. At the same time, she proved that even without great talent or beauty or intelligence, she can still have a stratospheric amount of recognition and money and a bonafide successful career.

After all, I (and millions of other people) took 3 minutes out of our day to marvel at her ridiculous dancing. I’ve also read enough about Paris to know that her grandmother repeatedly told her as she was growing up, “You’re going to be more famous than Marilyn Monroe. You’re going to become the most famous woman in the world.” Granny wasn’t wrong, but couldn’t she have just given Paris some hugs and cookies?

To complete my celebrity trifecta, I then read this quote from Madonna in Q Magazine. “What else is there for me to conquer? Hopefully my ego. How will I know when I’ve succeeded? When I stop caring what anyone thinks.”

She’s right. Of course, Madonna does have the luxury of her own enormous wealth and fame to not care anymore what anyone thinks and kick her ego’s ass. She’s certainly proven that she’s conquered the system. But considering she’s stumping for her latest album, Hard Candy, by showing off how fabulous she still looks at fifty, I’d say it only gets harder to not care what people think the more successful you get.

So how do you feel special if you’re not famous or gorgeous or rich or wearing the right clothes and carrying the “It” bag or having a successful career in the public eye? How can anyone really be happy with less than 100,000 MySpace friends? If no one’s talking about you or reading your blog or paparazzi-hounding you, how can you be a vital and important part of society? If you don’t have your own reality show or sex tape, then are you really real?

To anyone who buys into any of the above bullshit and that’s exactly what is it—bullshit—I send you all my love and caring because yes, you are so freaking special, every last one of you down to every last bit of you. You don’t have to do or be or prove anything for it. And next time I see you, I’ll happily give you a hug, and maybe even a cookie, if I could just figure how to work this damn oven out.

WOW

Every woman in the history of the world, at one point or another, has voiced complaints to the man she's seeing - and it is our collective fantasy (something which almost always remains a fantasy) that said man actually listen to our complaints, take time to reflect upon them, and then - holy crap - maybe ... evolve ?!?!

This is one of those (tragically rare) instances, and all I have to say is, if every guy so freely admitted his mistakes, no one would get any work done. They'd all be busy having incredibly hot makeup sex.

On second thought, maybe it's good men are, on the whole, relentlessly stubborn - if only to protect our GDP.

FUNNIEST BIRTHDAY CARD EVER!

A friend of mine gave me this card for my birthday...now if this isn't the funniest card ever, then i don't know what is!











P.S. You have to read it with the best italian accent u can possible muster! hehehe

PORN AND SWORDS

Not THOSE swords, you sickie. The real kind.

This recent AP story is a fantastic example of NOT burying the lead ...

PORN DVD SCREAMS PROMPT SWORD 'RESCUE'

A man says he broke into an apartment with a cavalry sword because he thought he heard a woman being raped, but the sound actually was from a pornographic movie his upstairs neighbour was watching.

"Now I feel stupid," said James Van Iveren, who has been charged in the case.

Actually, I think it's sort of sweet. If more neighbours brandished cavalry swords, we might decrease domestic violence (or vibrator usage) significantly.

Although I think my favourite part is further into the article, when it's revealed that "The neighbour later played for police the part of the DVD he believed Van Iveren heard downstairs."

I love that the police were like, "Um, yeah ... we're gonna need to, you know, watch that porn. Just to see, of course. Just doing our job. Just investigating."

Right…!

THE 3 WONDERS OF A WOMAN...

1. Gives milk without having to eat grass...

2. Gets wet without water...

3. Bleeds for a week without going to die...

and according to a friend of mine, there's two more:

4. Makes boneless things hard... and

5. Makes men wanna eat without having to cook...!


Oh come on...we all need to have a bit of a laugh...*winks*

AM I TOO FRIENDLY?

Last weekend, I spent a lot of time with my friend Bella, who had a traumatic incident on Friday in the Coles parking lot. We were in her car when we spotted her ex with his new girlfriend. Actually, she's not new. Bella found out a few weeks ago that he had been dating them both at the same time.

When we saw him, I didn't have much time to react, but I think I waved. Afterwards, I kept asking, "Did I wave? Did I just wave at him?" I might have even smiled--it's my default expression. Now, this ex did a selfish, dishonest thing, but deep down he is a good human being. What should I have done? Abandon my manners and flip him the bird? It's hard for me to show anger, but if I'm nice to Bella's ex, then am I a pushover who doesn't stand up for herself or her friend, or womankind? What is the proper reaction to seeing an ex in a grocery store parking lot? Surely it's not a friendly wave?

----*****-----

My friend called me last night as I was washing the dishes. "Do you think I'm a slut?" she asked. "Um, no. Do you think I am?" I said. I had no idea where she was going with this. My girl is 30, has a high-powered career, owns her own place and I'd trust her with my own child (if I had one). Above all, she barely dates and is more of a relationship girl. Slut? Not quite.

I pressed: "Why would I think that?" She ranted: "Met a suit at the hotel bar where my business meeting was. He bought me drinks and a cheese plate and I took him home. We had sex [dude sprung for a cheese plate, you better had--I kid, I kid!]. Sex in my bed, then in the shower." I'm still not following. She's a 30-year-old woman who I know for a fact is on the Pill, so it's not like she was going to get storked! And she told me he used a condom both times, so she did play it safe.

Here's why she thinks she's a "slore": In the morning before he left he gave her his number and asked if she'd like to have dinner this weekend (aw, sweet!), but as soon as the door shut behind him, she threw out his number. "Why?" I asked. "There was something very pushy about him and he seemed too comfortable in my apartment," she said. When I asked what that meant, she said before they fell asleep he turned the TV on and watched the news. Um, OK? So?

Personally, I would have gone to dinner with the dude, I mean there was an obvious physical attraction, right? This got me thinking, are one night stands ever OK? My opinion: She's a consensual adult, on the Pill and they used a condom--twice. She's a single woman who had a little fun. So not a slut. And what's up with women thinking of themselves as sluts, anyway?! That word has got to go.

Because Nothing Says Bridal Wear Like a Totally Naked Man

Wedding season's coming up. Trying to find something to go with that brand new bridal gown you just bought? How about a completely naked dude?

While surfing TheKnot.com the other night with my friend Melissa, we stumbled upon these ACTUAL PHOTOGRAPHIC ADS depicting possible future wedding dresses.

At first, we were confused. What the hell was a naked man doing there? Did he come with? Because that sounds like a really good deal, except that most normal women, when actively searching for a wedding dress, have the whole "man" thing pretty much covered.

Furthermore, when these women think about their future wedding dress, they probably aren't like, "Wow, I really love this dress, but the thing that would make me want to buy it even more is if I could see it pictured with a totally naked man who isn't in any way my fiance rubbing his totally naked body against its pristine white fabric!"

Although maybe there are discounts for stains?

Um, honey ... this is fine for the wedding dress ad photos, but I'm going to insist you wear a tux to the wedding. No. Seriously. 'NUDE' DOES NOT WORK WITH MY COLOUR SCHEME.

Dream-Invader

When I’m very tired, like I am now, I always have the weirdest dreams. Last night’s was a doozy…

It started out with some sort of surreal living situation with my latest celeb crush, James McAvoy (sigh). In my dream, though, like in real life I suppose, he was a small guy, slightly taller than me—which was/is kind of disappointing… But what a dreamboat.

Funny aside: As I was looking for a picture of hottie McAvoy, I came across a Korean chick’s blog about her crush on him. What is it about delicate-featured, pasty-faced, blue-eyed white boys with foreign accents that Asian chicks seem to dig? (Although I think the attraction goes both ways…)

Anyway, back to my dream! So it switched from me having a rather depressing relationship with James McAvoy into me being picked to be the surrogate mother to Tom Cruise (speaking of short actors) and Katie Holmes‘ next Scientology baby.

And if that wasn’t weird enough… It actually got to the point where I was in this sterile room, all prepped to be implanted, when Tom Cruise comes in himself with a giant needle to impregnate me. (Right, I get that, Freud.) But instead of putting the needle anywhere near my lady parts, Tom proceeds to stick this giant syringe in my left foot—which hurt like hell, btw. So ta-da! I was impregnated with (get this) 30 embryos in my left foot. They wanted to make sure the pregnancy would take. Of course, I’m thinking it would have taken a lot better if they’d actually put the embryos in my uterus. So I leave the Scientology/IVF office with what is now a swollen, ENORMOUS, ogre-like foot filled with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ 30 possible future babies.

So is that the weirdest dream ever or what? I’m not even going to begin to analyze that one, but I felt that I should blog about it because it was so strange.

Clearly, I need to get more sleep.

My Life Philosophy in One Sentence: Part 1 of 354

When presented with an opportunity, I think one should not ask “why?” but instead scream “WHY THE HELL NOT!?” and then, to underscore the depth of one’s commitment to optimism, rip off one’s shirt and leap into the air with a giant flying karate kick...! =)

WHO PAYS?

The other night, my friend dished about a first date. The conversation started out with: "Never. Going. Out. With. Him. Again!"

Apparently he invited her to dinner, but when the check came he asked if they could "split it," and waved the bill in the air. My friend whipped out her debit card in shock. She just assumed he would pay since, as she told me, "He invited ME to the ridiculously overpriced French bistro that was purely lit by stubby candles."

I was torn. He asked her out, on a first date. It's not like they were dating and in the "I got dinner, you pay for the movie" phase. I'd like to think chivalry is not dead and if a guy asks a gal out, he's going to buy her a meal. I've paid for the date when I was the askee. The guy tried to give me money, but I refused and quipped, "You can pay next time," thus securing a second date (score!).

This was a deal breaker for her. Even though she said she'd go out with him again, she fully intends to screen her calls from here on out and even re-saved his name on her mobile as John Cheap.

What are your dating deal breakers? I once nixed date two because on date one, the guy spoke about his mum a lot. He was 30.

SPORTS ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINE

Sports Illustrated cover model Marisa Miller

Conversation at the Shoot (as imagined by me):

Stylist #1: Oh SHIT. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.

Stylist #2: What??? What?!!

Stylist #1: I forgot the TOP PART OF THE BIKINI we need to use for the cover shot!

Stylist #2: Oh fuck. You mean the PART THAT GOES OVER HER NAKED BREASTS?!?!

Stylist #1: YES!!! SHITTTTT! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!??!?!

Stylist #2: I know!! I know!!! Take my necklace!!! No one will ever notice the difference!!! It’s not like this is a magazine about SWIMSUITS!

Stylist #1: You are a genius.

British Bulldog

I have a fairly strict rule on dogs: if they're over 12 kilos and not a jack russel terrier or a shih-tzu, they're not really my type. But this one, which I found in Lygon Street, I just sorta liked. Maybe it was his "fuck you, I don't care if I need braces, I'm badass" attitude ... or maybe it was his drool. But either way, I really, really wanted to take him home with me. Or at least on a photo shoot.

Here’s To Me, Mrs. Robinson

I had another one of my weirdo dreams last night. This time, I was staying at a friend’s house for some reason and this friend had a 17-year-old son. A gorgeous, virginal 17-year-old son. And I had to be about forty-five or something in this dream. This was one of those dreams where you’re not really you, you’re someone else.

Anyway, over the course of the week I was staying there, it became obvious that this son (who was heading off to college soon) had a crush on me. So my last night there, I decided to go out with another girlfriend of mine and had the boy sneak out and meet us. Then we both proceeded to seduce him! Whoa… How’s that for your first time? A threesome with a couple of cougars.

Then the dream turned rather stressful because we had to keep his mother, my friend, from finding out what happened and she was quite suspicious to begin with. So that was my dream (with a lot of the sordid details faded to fuzzy memory.)

My analysis? I actually have met a college-bound teenager recently who’s definitely gorgeous (though I can’t say if he’s virginal) and I think it’s making me feel rather like a dirty old lady to admire his brand of youthful beauty. And I think I’m rather shocked to find myself in this position, rather than the one where I’m being admired by dirty old men. But hey, things change… and there’s no harm in looking, right?

EROS....

“Eros does not exist!”So exclaimed a colleague of mine last night over dinner. I was shocked. She is a beautiful, intelligent, and passionate fashionista with a cause… who has access to many of life’s gifts and who probably holds the key to many men’s hearts—how could she say that Eros does not exist??She was seconded by another workmate of mine—a great poet, playwright, filmmaker, and creative genius who, in the pursuit of his One Muse here on Earth, has awoken all the other muses of the heavens and has probably swept them off their wings and into the harem of his mind.I was shattered. How could my friends—these amazingly talented and passionate individuals—no longer believe in magic, in passion, in destiny, in all these wonderful things that make love maddening yet sobering, that make life chaotic yet serene? How could they turn their backs on the madness and embrace a life that is staid, bland, and… dead?

YOU CAN NEVER PLEASE EVERYONE…!

One of the most valuable lessons that I’ve learned whilst growing up is TO KEEP IT REAL… to ALWAYS BE TRUE TO YOURSELF no matter what kind of issues you’re going through. I remember a conversation that I once had with one of my high school bestfriends-----she told me to stop trying too hard to make everybody like me coz it’s never gonna happen. It is only when I grew older that I truly grasped the real significance of what she said to me. Ironically though, I find myself doing the same thing these days. I seem to keep falling into the same trap over and over again.
I have to say that it is such a very unhealthy trait to have---not to mention exhausting! But I guess I do it to avoid (as much as I can) any divergence in my life. And by doing so, I make myself totally oblivious to the fact that I’m not really doing myself any favour by constantly striving to please everyone else around me. A very wise man (my dad) once said that if EVERYBODY LOVES YOU THE WAY YOU WANT THEM TO, THEN YOU WON’T BECOME A BETTER PERSON. He couldn’t be more right!
After taking into consideration all the more recent experiences (growing pains) that I went through, I now realize (COMPLETELY) that it is utterly impossible to satisfy everyone. No matter how many times you win the “MISS CONGENIALITY” title, someone out there will still hate your guts for reasons that only they could substantiate. But that doesn’t make you a cast-off. It just means that you’re REAL….and that you don’t need everyone else’s approval to validate your sense of SELF-WORTH.

SERENDIPITY WALKS

There’s a certain kind of grace that comes with walking without expectations, in just letting your feet guide you and allowing your senses to become fully absorbed in the walk itself. It is not walking to burn calories; neither is it walking to be on your way to somewhere. It is simply walking for the sake of walking. This is what I call my “Serendipity Walk.”When I go on a Serendipity Walk, I ask the stars to “lead me to whatever I need to see.” I usually start off in a comfortable place, such as in a mall, and then let my feet take me to wherever they feel I need to be (within the bounds of safety and reason, of course). Such walks have led me to great conversations with strangers, shopping finds that I would normally not see on a regular shopping trip, or gems of wisdom disguised as signposts, posters, book titles, shop names, and greeting cards. Of course, such a walk also presupposes that one has the time to walk without expectation, and so I do this when (a) there is absolutely nothing better to do in my to-do list, or (b) I feel that my brain’s batteries are dead and need to be recharged.Sometimes, though, I find that it’s best to go on a Serendipity Walk PRECISELY when you’re tired and overwhelmed and you just need some space. The act of clearing out a bit of your schedule and just letting all urgencies fly off into the air can be a liberating and enlivening experience.

Here's to Serendipity, and to allowing ourselves to be led by our souls. May your Walks be as pleasant as mine have been!

CRYING

Shedding tears is something I do quite easily. Whenever I see a sappy commercial or movie, hear a memorable song, or find myself in a particularly moving moment, the tears very easily fall from my eyes. But I hardly let myself cry. Crying, to me, is something that springs from the depths of my heart and soul and pours out onto the open world for everyone to see. Although I’m quite open when I write, I am not so when I cry. If I can avoid crying and letting my emotions overwhelm me, I do.
But this is also why, when I do cry, it sometimes feels like I’m approaching the verge of a nervous breakdown. The triggers vary, as does the depth of the well of tears. Sometimes it seems like the pain won’t go away, that the tears won’t run out, and that I just might run out of breath trying to catch it.
This article that I found in my inbox, which the Universe sent my way this morning, is a good reminder to just let the feelings flow. Crying isn’t a sign of weakness; being unable to handle our emotions well is.

Taken from the Daily Om:
Most of us have had the experience of holding back our emotions for such a long period of time that when they finally come out, we have something resembling a breakdown. This is because we are releasing feelings that have accumulated over a long period of time, and whatever inspired the release was just a catalyst for a much larger, much needed catharsis.
When we find ourselves in the midst of such an experience, it is important that we allow it to happen, rather than fight it or try to shut down. Wherever we are, we can try to find a private, safe place in which to let our feelings out. If we can not access such a place immediately, we can promise to set aside some time for ourselves at our earliest possible convenience, perhaps taking a day off work. The important thing is that we need to give our emotional system some much-needed attention.