WHAT TINDER TAUGHT ME ABOUT DATING AND HUMANITY...OK MAYBE JUST DATING.

Ok, everyone is abuzz about it, and I know I’m late to the party. But the other day, I said to my productivity, “Hey, workflow, let’s take an unexpected 2 hour break and check this sucker out.”
For anyone who doesn’t yet know what I’m talking about, ‘this sucker’ is Tinder: a ‘dating’ app that’s like if hotornot.com (remember that?!) had a lovechild with match.com. And Candy Crush might also be the father.

Basically it’s a location-based app that pulls info from your Facebook to create your profile, and then pulls up ‘matches’ that meet your age/sex/location criteria. All you see of these potential matches are a few photos, any mutual friends or interests (according to your FB profile) and one tagline. Then you ‘swipe right’ if you find them attractive, and left if you don’t (bonus: when you swipe left you get a satisfying stamp across their picture that says ‘NOPE.’) It’s slightly vain and shallow but it's also addictive. From there, if you also fall into their criteria (age, sex, distance) and they find you attractive, you match. Then you can chat, swap numbers, meet up, get Catfished, etc.

Naturally, I had a lot of questions: What are people doing on here? Is anyone normal? Is it just a hookup app? Has anyone actually ended up with someone this way? Is it too superficial? Dangerous? WILL I BE THE FIRST TINDER MARRIAGE?

The danger aspect really got me. The fact that you can tell when someone is “less than a kilometer away” made me believe that I was one mis-swipe away from ending up in some guy named Xenon’s trunk never to be seen again and all because he had a cheeky tagline and a photo of a puppy in his profile pic.

But, I’m dramatic.

What started out as an experiment got me thinking about what this app says about dating in general. Is Tinder simply a microcosm of what we do in real life (p.s. that’s what its creators profess)? File people away as attractive or unattractive, make split second decisions based on minimal facts, trust complete strangers? Do we really need to know tons of information about someone to know if they're a good match?

Thus, I drafted a list of Tinder truths... many of which are true about dating in general. AKA What Tinder Taught Me About Life and Dating:

1. If you didn’t know you had a type: you do. Hence the quick-fire way you can absolutely HATE or love someone’s face.
2. There is no smooth way to start a conversation with a total stranger with whom the only thing you have in common is the belief that you both are not ugly.
3. It’s okay to dislike someone based solely off of the Facebook friend that you have in common.
4. There is always a wrong way to spell a name. Future parents take note: you thought Craig couldn’t be messed up? Think again: I just saw a Kreagg.
5. Guys have apparently not learned that it might be misleading or confusing to highlight pictures of them with their nieces or nephews.
6. A clever one liner goes a LONG way.
7. If the main photo is of two guys, the actual guy will ALWAYS be the less cute one.
8. You never get a second chance at a first impression.
9. Apparently 80% of men like to “work hard, play hard,” travel, and are on a hunt for an INTELLIGENT girl to have sex with or they are looking for cool people to hang with which basically means the same thing.
10. NEVER trust a man who can take a better selfie than you. Never.
11. Take this as an opportunity to delete profile pictures that you didn’t know you had of you and your ex. Nothing more confusing than a Tinder pic of a guy snuggled up to a girl. The same goes for “interests” you may not know you have selected on Facebook. I just saw a guy with whom the only thing we had in common was our shared interest in Buitoni Pasta. What?!
12. Having hot friends makes you seem more attractive.
13. Everyone loves traveling! And working out! And trying new things! And food!
14. This probably says less about my physique and more about my time-wasting issues and imminent carpal tunnel, but it is remarkable to realise that over 400 men in Sydney have looked at my picture and decided it was decent enough to swipe right.
15. I don’t feel more attractive now than I did a year and a half ago, because now I have matches and messages to validate my looks. Having tons of offers for drinks, dinner, coffee or SEX (mostly sex) does not make me feel desired or even flattered.
16. Men are just as frustrated as women. Apparently, womankind is just as guilty of being sleazy as our male counterpart. There’s the chick who is in a relationship but is really bored of her bf so she’s finding solace on tinder; or the chick who is not DTF but invites the boy over to her place in the middle of the night on a Saturday; or the teenage girl who is currently on her quest to master the art of pleasuring a man orally because she wants to be in a very loving and committed relationship when she grows up; and of course there’s the webcam chick who spams the poor unsuspecting guy’s inbox after hitting her with a resounding ‘let’s have sex’ pick-up line.
17. Men, like most women who are attracted to assholes, are attracted to bad bitches. They make an effort to have a conversation with you and would eventually score you a dinner invite when they know your sweet and naïve persona is yet to be unfolded. Their objective fundamentally remains the same but their approach changes.
18. Needy men everywhere! Apparently it’s rude to not reply to a message within an hour of them sending it. They get very upset and would virtually give you a very detailed and profound send-off.
19. Practically everyone you know is on tinder. Your friends are on tinder. Your relatives are on tinder. Your neighbours are on tinder. Married people are on tinder. I matched with 2 dogs and a cupcake. Your ex-boyfriend’s friends are on tinder. And even more shocking, they swiped right on your pic! Yes, I know. I swiped right for them as well but only because I was curious.
20. If someone is less than a kilometer away, put your phone down slowly--very slowly--and run for your life (okay this one is just me).

Regardless of what your tinder experience might be, mine has been for the most part entertaining and ironically empowering. It made me appreciate where I’m at right now and how much my priorities have changed. Though I’m open to falling in love again, LOVING ME is not such a bad thing after all.

The whole tinder experience also gave me an insight on how the sheer amount of repression and suppression required for living in the context of this hook-up culture teaches young adults not to feel at all. Consequently, I have realised how much I want to go back to basics. I'm all for tradition and romance. I want to find a guy, lock eyes with him and fall madly in love. I don't want the first image of him to be a 'fully sick' photograph with his top off showing me his 'mad abs' that he's been taking 'roids to get.'' But for what it’s worth, tinder is an app - like candy crush and trivia crack- and you can always delete it.

PERSPECTIVE...

This is the second week in a row that I've witnessed someone get killed on the road. Last week, I saw a cyclist got run over by a truck and this morning, an elderly lady who lived in my building died from a cardiac arrest. The universe is putting things in perspective for me. Everything is so temporary. We don't know when our time is up. My craving for life is even more insatiable. There's so much to see, hear, taste, touch, do, be. And although life may not always be the party we're hoping for, while we're in it, we should still dance. ‪#‎forgivelovelive

MAYWEATHER VS PACQUIAO

Everyone at work is talking about THE FIGHT OF THE CENTURY. Actually, it's all everyone talks about in the office so here's my take on this saga.


Round 1 - The Cars:


Mayweather and Pacquiao are both minted athletes,which means they can afford ridiculously expensive cars. We're talking Lambos,Ferraris and Porsches.
Floyd 'Money' Mayweather comes out marginally on top as the proud owner of a $US1.9 million Bugatti Veyron Grand Sport, one of the fastest cars in existence. Jealous?
Mayweather: 1;Pacquiao; 0.




Round 2 - The Style:


Both Pacquiao and Mayweather prove the adage that money can't buy taste – at least when it comes to clothing. Subsequently, this category is less about who wins, and more about who loses.
Floyd loses slightly less on account of at least having the balls to don a black and gold onesie, complete with hood, just for the sheer ridiculousness of it all.
Mayweather: 2; Pacquiao; 0.


Round 3 - The Posse:


Mayweather cites Justin Bieber as his main man. Pacquiao wins by default.
Mayweather: 2; Pacquiao; 1.


Round 4 - The Slang:


Floyd tried to give himself the nickname Mr My Life is the Sh*t, which as a self-assigned nickname, is quite shit.
Pac Man on the other hand has a soft spot for slang words that have fallen into disuse, as when he tweeted "@FloydMayweather, don't be a boxing humbug. Let's give the fans what they want". Not exactly down with the times with 'humbug', but sweet nonetheless.
Mayweather: 2; Pacquiao; 2.


Round 5- The Do:


I'm into Floyd's cue-ball look (very aerodynamic in the ring), and think his goatee upkeep is respectable. Pacquiao's 'do', on the other hand, looks like it hasn't changed since he was a kid. This round goes to Mayweather.Mayweather: 3; Pacquiao; 2.

Round 6- The Nickname:
Pac Man versus Money.
One is a play on words and a callback to one of the greatest video games of all time. The other is a testament to vanity.
Undoubtedly, Manny takes this round.
Mayweather: 3; Pacquiao; 3.


Round 7 - The Fear Factor:


The bottom line, however, is that Floyd has never lost as a professional boxer. And has never been knocked out. That is a fearsome prospect for any opponent, even one as good as Pacquiao.

On the other hand, Manny Pacquiao has never ducked a fight… ever. So clearly Manny fears no man. Not even the best fighter on the planet. But the best indication of Pacquiao's courage is his insistence to sing (read: we all know he should stick to boxing) on live television. Seriously, you gotta be brave to go out there and sing ballads with Jimmy Kimmel without flinching. Hands down, Manny wins this round.
Mayweather: 3; Pacquiao; 4.


Round 8 - The Cute Factor:


Manny's cute dimpled smile is no match for Floyd's smouldering eyes and overall sexiness. I'll have to give Mayweather this round.
Mayweather: 4; Pacquiao; 4.

Round 9 - Who's less of a dick?This requires some analysis.
On the one hand, PacMan has said he's against gay marriage on the basis that marriage ought to be between a man and a woman. Mayweather on the other hand has proclaimed, “I stand behind President Obama and support gay marriage.”
But although Mayweather is more socially progressive, he beats women - and fairly regularly apparently.
This brings us to the knockout punch. Being a dick is one thing, and Floyd seems to have that mastered to a level Kanye West would envy. A pattern of abuse against women is another.
Pacquiao wins this round with a TKO.  

ETHNIC MUMS...!

CONVERSATION WITH MY WORK COLLEAGUE:
H: So I broke up with my boyfriend and I told my mum about it. As it turns out, she's more upset about the break-up than me. She screamed through tears. "You will live a long and depressed life!" Then she said, 'What is wrong with you?! Why can't you get a man to marry you? Your eggs are rotting and you don't have much time left!" I love how she automatically blamed me for the break-up.
Me: And she brought out the EGG CARD. She's going for blood.... But yeah hurry up already! After all, not being able to procreate is a fate worse than death.
H: Yep! My mother is probably trying to find me a man who can walk and who can breathe as we speak.
Me: Let's hope this walking and breathing man also has good sperms to inseminate your rotting egg.

Ethnic mums...gotta love 'em!

MEN THESE DAYS...!

Dude: Can you cook?
Me: Yes. Why do you ask?
Dude: Because it's a big requirement. I want my woman to cook for me.
Me: How much do you make annually? Also, can you build a house?
Dude: WHAAAATTTT?! Isn't it a little invasive to ask how much I make? And why on earth would I know how to build a house? ...
Me: Well, it's a big requirement. I want my man to pay for my bills and build me a house. Then I can make him casseroles and shit.

Though the world has come this far when it comes to feminism, I have to say that we still have a long way to go. SMH.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
2015: World domination. Do more. Think less. Move more. Eat less. Write more. Care less.
To those I love, I am perpetually grateful for having you in my life.

To those I've lost, if you're reading this, it's called stalking and you need goddamn therapy.
This year is all about freestylin' for me. So buckle up world!!! I'm back in full circle!


P.S.
There's an old African proverb that says:
"If there's no enemy within, the enemy outside can do us no harm".
Uh-huh...! The enemy within has been completely eradicated.
2015. Come at me, BITCH!!!

20 THINGS I'VE LEARNED IN 2014

So 2014 is nearly over and as a personal tradition, I usually fill in my jar of happiness with things that made my year a kick-ass one. But as most of you probably know, I’ve gone through rough times this year so instead, I filled my HAPPINESS JAR with lessons that I will perpetually be grateful for.
Here are the things that I’ve learned this year:
1. When getting into a relationship, you should always trust your gut. There were so many red flags that I failed to acknowledge. Be cognisant of those little things that could potentially turn into a series of “WTF moments."
2. When someone is too good to be true, you can bet your ass that they are TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. My dad used to say that people who are very good at putting their best foot forward are either sociopaths and/or extremely insecure. He was right on both counts.
3. It doesn’t matter what the truth is, people will choose to believe their own version of it. What matters is that you know what truly happened and that’s pretty much the only ammunition you need in the pointless battle of ‘he said, she said’. My dad once said, ‘The only people who are more ignorant than slanderers are the ones who are foolish enough to believe them.’ Word, dad.
4. Crazy bitches exist. They are not a myth. There are truly crazy bitches out there. Choose your friends as thoroughly as you choose your lovers. I have been scorned by more women than men. The sisterhood that they all talk about is completely flawed. Some women are jealous, manipulative and crazy and just when you think that they can’t get any crazier, you'd soon find out that they have an underground garage of more crazy. So the next time you meet a potential new friend, BE CAREFUL. Do a background check. If she has a Peruvian accent and brags about her fake butt and constantly talks about it like it’s the Holy Grail, RUN AWAY. If she lies about her job, RUN AWAY. If she bites her nails constantly and talks about her being a rape victim to random strangers in the streets, RUN AWAY. If she gets annoyed because a dude is giving you attention instead of her, RUN AWAY. If she makes you lie to her fiancé about her whereabouts, RUN AWAY. If she obsesses over what other people say about her and nags you everyday why that other person said it, RUN AWAY!!!!
5. Do not share your plans to just about anyone. That’s what your bestriends are there for. Just because someone showed you their good side doesn’t mean you can trust them. Some people don’t have a conscience. They take advantage of you the moment you show your weakness. And that’s why I’m not trusting enough to really open up to anybody I don’t know very well anymore, which is good for my immune system.
6. In a relationship, both people have to compromise. BOTH PEOPLE. That sounds obvious, but so often in a relationship, one person expects the other to change themselves to be what they want. That’s not how it works. Someone told me that relationships are all about RELATING to other people and when it starts to become all about just one person, then there’s really no point in being there anymore.
7. Life happens on its own timetable. You can’t fast forward to the parts you want. So take all the time you need. Time MAY NOT heal all wounds. Some wounds stand the test of time better than any of the remaining wonders of the world. Some wounds are so deep that the only way time can remove them is by removing you along with them. But on the other hand, we sometimes find that TIME IS ENOUGH. Sometimes, time shows us that the feelings we felt were only to be felt in passing - as we passed on by and on to the next individual we love. That’s why you have to give time a chance. Make use of it. Even if it doesn’t do the trick of healing all your wounds, it will most certainly numb the pain. It will turn those vivd memories into blurry renditions.
8. Standing up for myself doesn’t make me a bitch - it makes me a HUMAN BEING WITH A BACKBONE. You should not feel guilty for retaliating. And it’s totally acceptable for you to throw a nuclear bomb after they chucked a grenade at you. That’s the art of war.
9. Revel in your own company. You don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. The best relationship you can have is the one that you have with yourself. Men are not supposed to COMPLETE you. They should only COMPLEMENT you.
10. You can be the sweetest and juiciest peach of all peaches and you will still come across someone who hates peaches. I have learned this lesson at a very tender age. I’m not out to please everybody anymore - I’ve actually been out to try not to DISPLEASE anybody, and that’s even harder work. So screw that, too. I’m not a big fan of justifying my thoughts to people. I’ve known since high school that my take on things is not for everyone.
11. Just be f*cking honest about how you feel about people, while you’re alive. Do not make excuses for their misdemeanour. If they pissed you off, acknowledge it. You are not responsible for their issues. If they repeatedly hurt you and you still choose to stay, then this is where it stops being their fault. You have now become the perpetrator of the pain and misery that you feel. Own it. You're here because YOU made the decision, not because there was a consensus
12. For all the times we punish ourselves, very few times have we actually done something wrong. Be easy on yourself. You’re only young. Do not beat yourself up for your f*ck ups. If you didn’t make those mistakes then, you could very well make them in the future. Just be grateful for the lesson, learn from it and keep looking forward.
13. The way he treats his mother is pretty much how he will eventually treat you. Classic lesson. If he’s rude to the woman who carried him for 9 months in her womb and gave birth to him, he will definitely be disturbingly rude to you as well. This is a red flag that you cannot and should not ignore. And if his mother who is 65 years old will endeavour to compete with you when it comes to the looks department, then there’s something definitely wrong in the picture. RUN AWAY!!!!!
14. Know your worth. Do not let anyone insure you for less than your market value. Do not let anyone dictate what you are about as a person. You know yourself better than anyone else. You’re the only one who truly knows how you feel, your thoughts, your dreams, fears, and quirks. What other people see is just a semblance of what you choose to share of yourself.
15. Misery loves company. Just because you’re going through shit doesn’t mean you should surround yourself with equally miserable individuals. Surround yourself with positive people. My dad said, 'If you’re in a roomful of people and you find that you stopped learning from them, then you’re in the wrong room.’ True that! The company you keep can make or break your personal growth.
16. "I kept on complaining that I have no shoes until I met a man with no feet.” Your problems are never as big as you make them out to be and someone is always worse off than you. Stop playing the victim. There is always a solution. There’s no such thing as being trapped between the devil and the deep blue sea. There is always that silver lining. Milk it and use it to your advantage. Be aggressive in life. Keep reaching for the universe. Have a Plan B. Or a Plan C. Or a Plan D. Whatever you need to keep going. The only person who is capable of breaking you is YOU.
17. Be open to falling in love again but don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. Don’t try to fall in love with the entire person immediately. Allow yourself to fall in love in the shallowest of senses. Fall in love with bits and pieces. Allow your mind to wander and your imagination to draw conclusions that almost certainly don’t exist. Enjoy getting to know that person. Take as much time as you need because oftentimes, your heart will need a little bit more time to accept what your mind already knows.
18. Saying ‘It’s not meant to be’ is a pathetic way to drown out the pain and the guilt. Relationships fail because someone messed up. You didn’t get that job because you didn’t prepare for the interview. You didn’t pass the exam because you didn’t study hard enough. Saying ‘it’s not meant to be’ is just an excuse to justify failure.
19. Though our brain controls the actions, it’s our heart that gets the biggest workout. So listen to that inner voice more often. It will save you the heartache and the drama.
20. Getting involved in their petty childish games will only give them more ammunition against you. The best and most effective way to shut people down from your past is to keep them in your past. Live your life in the most awesome way possible and don’t look back. And be thankful for them - every single one of them. They made you who you are now. And even though the new year may not promise to be a better year for you, you know that you are a better and stronger person this time around. And that whatever this new year brings, nothing, and I mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING will break you.